Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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