dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Randomize
