A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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