I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
