Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
True strength comes from lack of pants
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
