dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
