i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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