Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
