There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
