my phone needs a breathalizer
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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