i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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