It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
