Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
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