It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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