When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
