I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
