I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
