Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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