Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize