did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
