OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
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heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
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it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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