you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Houston, we have a blender
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
