Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
