just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
