I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
