i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
