New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
