Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
