He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
