I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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