I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
