I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
