Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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