Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
