I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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