Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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