Even the bartender felt bad for me
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
