you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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