Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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