i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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