just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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