So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...