Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it