I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
