about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
