I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Randomize
