I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
