He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
