Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
