smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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