I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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