cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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