Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
