You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
