Got a toothbrush?
I faked an abortion last night.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
In America we eat man semen.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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