On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
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It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
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As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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