I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Randomize
