I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
