i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
So much Jack, so little girl.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
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