I'm lost and stupid without you.
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
