wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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