I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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